My company is huge. I’m talking about more than 3,000 people in Hong Kong alone, and another 9,000 smattered across China’s biggest cities. As a result, every month there are always a number of people who quit, for whatever reasons. Usually they quit because they’ve done their time, survived two or three years, and are now moving to an office with more sane working hours, and less insane bosses who force you to work ridiculous hours until you no longer even have a fragment of self dignity or anything that resembles a social life.
The thing that always gets me is the tradition to send a farewell email to their department. They are always exactly the same, and go something like this:
Subject: Thank you and goodbye
Today is my last day at The Big Blue Machine. It’s really hard to think of words to thank all of you during my last 3 years. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all your guidance and assistance, especially June, Anthony, Dick, Nicky and Mark for your guidance, patience and supports to me. Even though we worked late, I really still feel very happy to work with all of you in these 3 years. You guys are the motivation for me to fight through all the challenges.
Please keep in touch, I hope to meet up with you some time soon!
What I really hope is that one day, someone will break the routine of these fake parting pleasantries — which are all blatant lies — and send a farewell email with an iota of truth. Such as:
Today is my last day at The Big Blue Machine, and thank god for that. For three years I have endured a meagre salary, 16 hour days, non-existent weekends and public holidays, no overtime, deteriorated eyesight, neck pain, a lack of vitamin D, and a pathetic excuse for a social life which, more often than not, depends on my co-workers, since I practically live in this office. I have given three years of my youth to this company that gets rich off of the blood, sweat and backaches of people like me, and I cannot praise all the gods above enough for granting me a new job.
Over the past three years, I’ve sat in extremely close proximity to a number of people, such as Billy, Bobby, Timmy, Marcia, June and Bacon, and can safely say I hope I never see any of you again. All of you are insane, and I hate you. I sincerely hope that when I walk out the door today, the memory of your face will be obliterated from my brain.
To all you new joiners who are still all enthused and excited about getting a “prestigious job” at a Big 4 right after graduation, let me give you one word of advice: RUN. Run while you still can, because after a few months here, your rear end will be permanently attached to that chair you’re sitting on, your legs will atrophy, and you will no longer be able to do anything but type or use a calculator, which is 99% of your job anyway.
To the partners and my senior managers, I wish you a slow and painful death in a cramped prison in a third world country. Either that, or I hope this company suddenly goes bankrupt, and you find yourself having to do without those big golf club memberships, swimming pools and nannies. You have gotten rich and fat off of all those $2,000 lunches, and you deserve that heart attack or diabetes that is on its way right now.
Please do not try to contact me, ever.