I don’t often bitch about my own personal gripes, since this blog is for the most part related to travel and life abroad, but I feel compelled to have a little rant about stupid people and their endless attachment to their stupid phones.

Let me start by saying I do not have a smartphone. I just have a regular old ghetto phone. It’s just a phone. It doesn’t do anything other than make/receive calls and text messages. Many friends have teased me about it because in this day and age, everyone has one. In fact, I’ve seen Indonesian maids who make $300 a month with ‘better’, trendier, more high tech phones than me!

The reason I don’t have a smartphone is not because I am anti-technology or anything like that. I think smartphones are truly amazing pieces of technology in an incredible pocket size. The problem is, 99% of people use them for totally stupid crap. I peek over their shoulders while they are on the escalator, oblivious to the world around them, and see that without fail, they are either playing a game, or sending a text message, or checking Facebook. That’s it. An amazing piece of technology with a million possibilities, being used by a bunch of braindead morons, to send text messages to their moronic friends and play moronic games. “Where R U? Almost there.” “What do you wanna eat for lunch? I dunno!”  Derrrrp!

So I’ve come up with a top 10 list of stupid things that people do with their stupid, I mean, smart, phones.

(Oh, and by the way, I admit freely I stole all of these images from all over the internet. Busted.)

TOP 10 RUDE, ANNOYING, AND STUPID THINGS PEOPLE DO WITH THEIR F$%’%&ING PHONES

1. More than anything, I hate, hate, HATE it when you are out with someone, having a drink or possibly even having dinner, and they are playing with their smartphone. It’s just downright rude. Have some manners. Don’t tell me, “hold on”, and then take 20 seconds to reply to a message. Seriously, if you wanted to stay home and chat on Facebook, then just f*** off and do so instead of inviting me out. In fact, why don’t you just stay home all the time and do the world a favor? Oh wait, then you wouldn’t be able to “check in” on Foursquare to show everyone you are eating pizza. Wow, your life is soooooo interesting you have to tell everyone every detail every second of every day, all the time. Thank god you have a smartphone to capture it all!

2. Assholes who play games on their phones on public transport, with the volume all the way up. Yeah, the sound of you playing angry birds or getting the gold coins or shooting up aliens or whatever is EXACTLY what I want to hear during rush hour on my way to the office. I don’t give a shit what you do with your free time, but if you insist on playing a game on public transport, at least turn the damn volume off so I don’t have to hear PEW! PEW! PEW! at 7 am for half an hour.  Have some consideration for OTHER PEOPLE.

3. People don’t pay attention to what they are actually looking at because they’re too busy taking pictures. When I went to the Louvre in Paris, and walked through all the beautiful paintings, I came across the Mona Lisa, surrounded by about 200 smartphones in the air taking pictures. Why the obsession to photograph an exhibiton in the museum? Did you even LOOK at the Mona Lisa when you were standing five feet away from it? Are you even paying attention to the exhibition when you are physically there, or just going from piece or piece taking a picture of everything? What is the point of taking the pictures? I DON’T GET IT!!!

4. People who keep checking their phone during a movie. If it was an emergency, someone would call, not text message. Therefore, just ignore your phone for 90 minutes please, and stop distracting other people. Every time you light up your screen you distract all the other eyeballs around you who can’t help but notice a light suddenly turn on in a dark room as you logon to Facebook to tell everyone you’re in the cinema. Why don’t you just go home and take your phone with you and never, ever stop looking at it, and do the world a favor?

4. People who forget to turn off their phone during some kind of a live show that requires a quiet audience, like a play, or a recital, or something. All laws of normal public politeness have gone out the door since everyone got smartphones. Recently there have been lots of stories in the news about conductors having to actually shop the orchestra because someone’s phone keeps going off. That is just unacceptable. And why would you spent US $100 or more to buy tickets to a show, and then not even be willing to turn off your phone for 60 minutes? Seriously?

5. Families with bent heads. The other day I noticed a family sitting down at a lovely dinner in the clubhouse of a golf course, and instead of chatting, or conversing, or watching the beautiful sunset, every single family member, including the parents, was on their smartphone, heads down and fingers tapping. Good job, parents. And good luck communicating with your kids when they hit 14.

6. People taking pictures at a concert. I WAS THERE. LOOK, SEE? I WAS THERE. I SAW THEM LIVE. I RECORDED IT. I AM SO COOL BECAUSE I WAS THERE. SEE? I HAVE THE PROOF! SEE? But did you really listen to the music? Did you feel the vibration of the speakers? Did you scream when they came out on stage, or were you too busy setting up the shot? Did you sing along and dance and sweat and have fun? Or did you stand up there, like a zombie, with one hand in the air, your tiny screen capturing the event? Again, it has become an obsession to record everything, instead of actually being part of the event. Why not enjoy it WHILE IT IS HAPPENING?

7. People who obsessively take millions and millions of pictures of their kids every second of the day. I know you think your kids are the best thing because they carry your DNA, but can’t you just let them be kids instead of having to interrupt their play all the time and say, ‘Jimmy, Jimmy look at the camera! Look at mommy!’  I don’t remember my parents interrupting me 100 times a day, every single day of my life, to take pictures of me. Why not just be there, in the moment, while it is actually DOING something interesting and be a part of it, instead of watching it through a lens and thinking, ‘Oh man I can’t wait to put this on Facebook’?

8. People taking pictures of their food all the time. Wow! Look at what I ate! Look at it! LOOK AT ITTTT!!! I am so interesting! I eat interesting things! I don’t know how to cook but at least I can buy pretty food! Yaaaay for me yaaaaay! Or, the only thing worse than people taking pictures of what they are eating is people who take pictures of themselves, holding their camera out at arms length. Cheeese, asshole! Your new profile picture is OMG sooooo pretty. UR so cute.

9. People on the phone in the gym. Is it just a showing off thing? Like, wow I am so popular I have people calling me all the time, even when I’m bench pressing? There is no way you can focus on what you are doing in your workout while you are talking to someone. But people seem terrified of leaving their phone in a locker for 60 minutes. A yoga instructor at Facebook just got fired for asking someone to stop using their phone. Really? You need to send a text message during yoga???

10. People walking down a busy road, staring at a screen, bumping in to people. Or worse, driving a car. I swear, what should happen is the people walking down the road staring at their phone should get knocked over by the people using their phones while driving! Kill two morons with one stone! Yeah!

Okay, so that’s my list of stupid, inconsiderate, rude, and downright nonsensical things that people do with the amazing piece of technology that is the smartphone. Will I get a smartphone one day? I don’t feel I need one, but it’s possible in the future. But, I can be sure that if I should ever find myself playing Angry Birds on the train, I’ll at least have the common sense to turn the volume off…